Confucius Say...

Confucius say,

"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them."

Werd.

You may or may not already know this, but I have a reputation for being one clumsy bitch. Although, I prefer "ponderous" to be a more accurate description of my mental being, my husband, along with many other family members, often refer to me as "absent minded" and "in need of a titanium helmet."

I admittedly break a lot of valuables, including precious body parts, on a regular basis. On any given day, I am apt to fall down or knock something over, but my specialty is bumping my hip into door jams or the corner of a table or counter top and/or stubbing my toes on random household furniture. Ouch.

One time, I stood up in front of my couch and started to walk across the living room when I stubbed my pinky toe on the corner of our oversized coffee table. I yelped in pain but continued along on my journey to the kitchen. Murphy's Law gripped my equilibrium as I then tripped over the cord to my laptop and landed, hard, on all fours, directly in front of the television that was being watched by my husband and our roommate. It hurt so bad and it was so funny that I cried and laughed at the same time. It was a moment worthy of Youtube and one that was reenacted for the amusement of many people for about as long as the bruises on my knees were visible.

Today, April played me as a fool. I walked into work and was instructed to go pick up Ryan from school using my boss's truck. As I stepped up into the bull dozer sized truck I noticed that the owner of the rented house was walking around with an inspector sizing up some major water damage on the house. I carefully backed up the truck as the owner disappeared into the backyard. It took me about three minutes of maneuvering the vehicle out of the narrow spot while trying to avoid about four other cars parked in the area and two architectural columns. I thought I was in the clear when a sudden thud jarred my concentration. I had hit the base of a column with the side of the truck. I got out to find a huge dent with a noticeable series of close knit scratches on it. I quickly covered up the blemish on the column with a giant four ton planter as to avoid any scolding by the bitchy homeowner. I decided it was best to inform my boss after the homeowner had left.

Later in the day, I walked through a giant spider web, stepped in a fire ant pile, and spilled spoiled milk all over my feet. Gag.

Obviously, I hold strong discontent for my flaw and contrary to popular belief, I do not pique myself on my ability to amuse others with my lack of grace. It wrecks my calm nature and I am sick of it.

I decided that I am disowning my title as "absent minded" and donating my helmet to The United Way. Confucius said I could, so I am.

Screw you, 2 left feet!